Love Responsibilities of Husbands as designed by God

Introduction

All the creative acts of God at the beginning were good and they functioned perfectly. Marriage is a designed creation of God and like human beings, and all other creative acts of God, was created good and faultless. The fall of man changed all that and since that time the relationship between humans and God and between man and his woman has not been what God intended (cf Matt. 10.5). Christians are enjoined to go back to the pattern of sound teachings from God and use them for liberation from this world's enslaving mindset and decadence especially in marriage (cf John 8.32). Forces working against marriage include selfishness; lack of love; unwillingness to forgive; anger and bitterness; communication difficulties; anxiety and jealousy; poor sexual skills and abuse; religious values incompatibilities; drunkenness; sinful social mindsets and attitudes; financial problems; etc. This presentation aims at taking us back to marriage as ordained by God especially as pertaining to the responsibilities of husbands in marriage.

HEADSHIP RESPONSIBILITY

In the home, the husband is to be the “head,” and the wife is to be in “subjection” (Ephesians 5:22ff). "Head" (Greek –kephale) can be literal as in the case of John the Baptist's head in Mark 6.24, and it can also be used metaphorically as in this case to indicate ‘rank’ or responsibility. Man is the head of woman. In 1 Corinthians 11:2ff, God is the head of Christ, Christ is the head of every man, and man is the head of woman. This puts women at the subordinate level or lesser/assistant's role. Jesus, by means of the incarnation, subordinated himself to the Father (Philippians 2:5-8). This does not imply that Christ is inferior to the Father. The woman is not inferior to the man (but is created differently). What is then the meaning and practice of headship for a Christian man? The New Testament commands that man should be like Christ in his headship (Ephesians 5:25ff).

There is however a woman's right to exert some authority even in the home. In one of his letters to Timothy, Paul declares that woman is to “rule the household” (1 Timothy 5:14). Wayne Jackson observes

“Almost surprisingly, Paul contends that the woman is to "rule the household." The term "rule" (oikodespotein – present tense; standard procedure) is a fairly strong word. It signifies to be the ‘master’ of a house, to "rule" a household, "manage" family affairs (Thayer, p. 439). The passage cannot be employed, of course, to cancel the role relationship taught elsewhere (e.g., Ephesians 5:22ff), but it does recognize that women have domestic skills that men do not possess. The wise husband will recognize this and cooperate with his wife, the result being a contented home.”[1]

‘It goes without saying, of course, that man's headship over woman is never a license for him to be rude or abusive to her. The right to be the house keeper does not also give the woman the license to domineer the man. The “golden rule” applies to all social relationships.’

Consider for instance that this authority/submission relationship also exists between an eldership and the flock they direct. We can learn a lesson from this example. If Elders are not to be tyrants, self-willed, or corrupt (1 Peter 5.l-4), then similarly, a husband listens to his wife, seeks to please her, and seeks to provide a godly family atmosphere rather than being a tyrant, bully, or acting as a superior being. By simply accepting the responsibility of leadership that accompanies the marriage relationship, the man ensures that the wife's worth is not discredited. As earlier stated, she is to be honored and cherished for her very vital role. Submission is not inferiority; it is simply accepting a role or responsibility.

LOVE RESPONSIBILITY

There is a love that under-girds the headship of man. This is the love that propels a man to die for his wife. Some husbands are bitter against their wives and do not realize that their headship is based upon the law of love. It is not difficult for a wife to submit herself to a husband who loves her "as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for it" (Ephesians 5:25) and who loves his wife "as their own bodies" (Ephesians 5:28). The central issue in loving a wife is the mode. If there is anything the man knows that will make his wife happy, and he does it, then he will be fulfilling this responsibility. If he fails either through laziness, selfishness, or willful refusal to love, then he neither loves himself nor his wife.. A husband must however make himself worthy of the trust of his wife. Lack of trust hinders the performance of love. If a man does not trust his wife he may not be able to love her. He will always misunderstand or misinterpret the words and actions of his wife. If a man finds himself becoming jealous of his wife, he needs to verbalize (talk openly about) his feelings/jealousy. If counseling is needed, it should be sort before it wrecks havoc on the relationship.

WORSHIP RESPONSIBILITY

Several passages talk about the man's role to worship God with his family. Headship of the man in this area cannot be delegated to the wife. Wives are simply not authorized to be head! An Elder in the church cannot tell his wife to attend the Elders' meeting on his behalf as a delegate! The man is to lead in prayers and devotion at home setting a good example of love for God and His word/work. James Moffett observes that there is not anything we need more in our homes than prayers and that husbands need to lead the way in this practice. He suggested that the man should kneel beside his bed regularly, holding his wife and praying.

According to him, “this is not "light devotional" advice. It is foundational spiritual instruction from the Word of God.”[2] A man must set a good spiritual example if his family will respect him and take God serious. How will a wife ask the husband religious questions at home, when he neither knows nor read the Bible? (1 Cr. 14.33-35)

It has been suggested that the family should share together as many things as they can especially devotions, in order to build understanding, love, respect, and togetherness.[3] Again, if a man is to manage his family with regards to God's will, he will assume the responsibility of the spiritual education of his family. In the light of Ephesians 6:4 (ESV) “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” and 1 Corinthians 14:35 (ESV) “If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church” it is apparent that religious teachings and evangelism of the family starts at home and is the responsibility of the man. This is probably the most important function or responsibility of husbands.

DOMESTIC RESPONSIBILITY

The domestic responsibility of the husband includes disciplining children or keeping children submissive; protecting the family especially the children from external corruption and internal decay. Regimenting the life of children to bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord cannot be done by proxy. Delegation will not work. In Deuteronomy 11:19 “And ye shall teach them your children, speaking of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.” (cf Deut. 6.7). This cannot work if the parents are never around to lead, work or walk with their children. A nanny cannot model a father figure for a child. In the New Testament Paul says concerning the responsibility of a man who is an elder in the church, “He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive” (1 Timothy 3.4, cf. Titus 1.6). As head of the household, the husband has certain clearly defined responsibilities besides his general responsibility for the whole family. He has the responsibility of seeing that the physical needs of his family are met (1 Timothy 5.8). Imagine a woman who works in the Bank. She leaves home very early and comes back late at night, tired. On getting home she proceeds to the kitchen to cook for the family. It appears unfair if both husband and wife go out to get income for the family and only the woman will do the domestic work when both arrive home from work. The traditional setting has given way to the realities of modern lifestyles. If however the woman is a homemaker only, that division of labour works –the husband works to bring income from outside, while the lady exerts energy to keep the home warm, sweet, comfortable, clean and organized.

FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY

In traditional societies, man was the major financial provider and most of the financial burden fell on his shoulders. After the advent of the world wars in Europe and America, women, who were left behind to man the homes and businesses, got liberated and became major bread winners as well. In our contemporary and rapidly urbanizing culture, women work as hard as men in the world of work earning sometimes more than their male counterparts. How will a man cope with a wife who earns more than he does? Who holds the money and who takes the decisions on how the money should be spent? Lack of financial integrity has destroyed many marriages and the man should therefore look at God's plan for financial integrity. The model of leadership of the man if tailored after Jesus' style will ensure openness about money. Since the two have become one flesh, the need for secrecy, fear, and hoarding concerning earnings and incomes is rendered unacceptable and sinful. Financial oneness nullifies each one for him/herself. Part of what Peter said is that a man should honour his wife. 1 Peter 3:7 “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honour to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

When a husband brings his income to the table and plans with his wife on how to use what God has given them, he not only honours God who gave but honours the wife who submits to him. Financial openness is therefore the man's responsibility. Some because of lack of respect for their wives, and fear that wives may become nosy about how the men spend and thus control their spending will not even tell their wives of investments they have embarked upon. When they suddenly die, the money goes to other people instead of to the family. The man must therefore trust his wife. He must demonstrate respect for her, his loving partner. One of the thorniest issues in marriage is finance. Many cases of irreconcilable conflicts between husband and wife stem from this dimension of marriage. Many will not even contemplate marriage with a woman who earns more than them. They feel she would not be submissive to them. The same can probably said about education. Many men will not marry a woman more educated than them for fear that she would look down on them. A woman whose husband had been having conflict with her over her keeping her salary decided to give the husband the money one month. The man promptly spent the whole money without neither regard for the woman nor even an explanation. She felt so cheated. From that time on the man had dug the pit of the destruction of his marriage. She refused to give subsequent salaries to him and this further embittered the husband until the woman whose income became more than the husband built a house and moved out of her matrimonial home. She claimed that the husband does not love her. Solution? Let the man respect the will of God and allow his wife who may be blessed like the virtuous woman of Proverbs 31 to be free to invest and bring wealth to his home, blessing him with the proceeds of her investments. If she is gagged and her money held by the husband how can she achieve flexibility of investment and prosper in her business? If she is truly virtuous, she would be open to the husband and not closed and operating in secrecy. She would follow the example of the husband who is very open about his earnings. Proverbs 31.10-30 (ESV) “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. (11) The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. (12) She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. (13) She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. (14) She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. (15) She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. (16) She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. (17) She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. (18) She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. (19) She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. (20) She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. (21) She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet. (22) She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. (23) Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. (24) She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant. (25) Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. (26) She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. (27) She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. (28) Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: (29) "Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all." (30) Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

SEXUAL RESPONSIBILITY

This area of a man's responsibility is often the hardest to fulfill with any appreciable degree of success. Most homes do not achieve the abundant life in this department. The strongest man in the Bible (Samson) fell to sexual sins. The strongest man in the O.T. "spiritually" (David?) fell to sexual sins. Presidents around the world have tarnished their images by involving in extra-marital sexual sins. The Christian husband if he thinks he is invulnerable to sexual sins is living in a dream world. What is man's responsibility to his wife sexually? Consider some passages that help to put a proper perspective on it. 1 Corinthian 7.3-5 (ESV)“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. (4) For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. (5) Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

A. This mutual submission of each other's bodies is to help curb evil sexual desires. Many forces that are marshalled against the home and Christian men and women can be neutralized by a fulfilling sexual experience. Paul proves it so by commanding that couples should not deprive each other of their bodies except by mutual agreement coupled with prayers.

The fact that mutual submission of bodies is commanded in marriage indicates that there should be no shame, embarrassment, disgrace, indignity, awkwardness, guilt or timidity in accessing each other's bodies. The way God made the bodies of both man and woman is the cause of joy and excitement. Imagine Adam's cry of joy in seeing his wife (without clothes!). The sexual act then according to the New Testament is to include sexual exploration of each other's body to ascertain what really pleases the other. The attitude underlying this situation is that of excitement, curiosity, openness, honesty and purity.

What should a man do if the wife does not obey the injunction of this command? She may claim tiredness, headaches or sickness at nights, or may just lie there to take whatever the husband does to her without participating etc. If a man has H.I.V., should he insist that his wife should not withhold her body from him, claiming the right given by 1 Corinthians 7.4, 5?

Consider these admonitions given in the Bible to husbands: Paraphrased, they sound like:

1. Husband, cleave to your wife: and the two shall be one flesh (Matthew 19:4).

2. Husband, love your wife as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25).

3. Husband, do not be harsh with your wife (Colossians 3:19).

4. Husband, render to your wife due benevolence (1 Corinthians 7:3).

5. Husband, dwell with your wife according to knowledge (1 Peter 3:7).

These passages help husbands to know how to dwell with their wives in knowledge. They find fulfillment in their role as husbands and they study to be good husbands, setting time aside for the relationship with their wives, learning about good communication and how to be loving. We can conclude this section by considering the advice of Moffett James that husbands can become better lovers of our wives:

1. By thinking of her constantly,

2. By wanting her as a "friend,"

3. By wanting to please her,

4. By wanting to give her gifts,

5. By accepting her relatives and her friends,

6. By putting his trust in her,

7. By talking to her about his successes and his failures,

8. By being concerned about his appearance and his actions,

9. By involving her in his present plans,

10. By including her in his future plans.

These simple suggestions reveal loud and clear that your wife is, "The One

in your life." What greater honor can (a wife) have than this?[4]

CONCLUSION

To you husbands, know that a good man is a good husband, and good men have access to God. Good husbands make good homes and good churches. Husbands, look to God and the Word of God in order to make your home a safe haven and a godly environment to perpetuate godly families.

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[1] “In What Sense Is Man the Head of Woman?” by Wayne Jackson Christian Courier: Tuesday, March 28, 2006

[2] Moffett, James “Dwell With Your Wives According to Knowledge: An Analysis of 1 Peter 3:7” in Your Marriage Can Be Great.Ed., Thomas Warren, Tennessee, National Christian Press, 176-179.

[3] Ibid.

[4] Moffett, James “Dwell With Your Wives According to Knowledge: An Analysis of 1 Peter 3:7” in Your Marriage Can Be Great.Ed., Thomas Warren, Tennessee, National Christian Press, 176-179.